To Whom It May Concern
by Nera Fiore
Summary: [HOLES] X-Ray talks about his position in D-tent, and going completely blind. An X-Ray semi-songfic. Told in his POV.


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To Whom It May Concern. 

An X-Ray fic.

By Aly the WheelerChick

Disclaimer(s): the song lyrics are copywritten to Matchbox Twenty. X-Ray, Holes, and all other related items belong to Louis Sachar and other people that aren't me.

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A/n: It's a wannabe song fic that I wrote in 20 minutes! Ironically enough, the song is a Matchbox Twenty song, my all-time favorite Matchox Twenty song, called "Kody" – and I recommend listening to the whole thing. It'll send chills up your spine. Umm…I liked this idea, but I couldn't write it the way I wanted to…but I tried really hard. It's alright. It's just a one-shot X-Ray fic.

Enjoy. ((And don't worry, I'mma still update my Magnet fic ^^))

Now it was clear to all of us

We kept this hat of broken dreams

And we pulled them out when we needed them around

Well please hand me the bottle, I think I'm lonely now

And please give me direction, I think the hurt set in

And I don't feel nothing

To Whom It May Concern

We usually just avoid the fact. I mean….because it makes us all so uneasy. Not that I can't understand why. None of us in D-tent are very good with depressing and emotional crap anyway. Not even when it's me that has to deal with the depressing and emotional crap. We all just sooner put on a face and go about our business. Dig holes and shut up. Don't get into eachothers's personal lives. Life's easier that way. It is for everyone. We just pretend like that all the pain and agony and hardship isn't there, and eventually we become like leather. Aged and tough. 

It's like saying a cuss word. The first time you say it, it feels awkward and weird, like you got fuzz in your mouth or something. But the more you use the words, the easier they become to say. And then it's just a part of your vocabulary and you think nothing of it. It's like that.

I don't even think the other guys knew until I announced it out loud yesterday, with the exception of Caveman and maybe Pit. It was kind of humorous actually, in a demented way, if you woulda witnessed it, rather than been a part of it. It got real quiet after I said it too, though I wasn't expecting the guys to actually be all that sympathetic. I'm not even all that sympathetic about it all to myself. But it's now to the point where I can't just avoid it anymore. It's become a serious obstacle. Not one that I can ignore anymore, at least. 

I'm going blind.

Really blind.

My whole life it's been a struggle, though no where near this bad. It used to be I just couldn't see stuff that was far away. Then everything was always fuzzy, even stuff that was close up. And it just kept getting worse. And now it's to the point where everything is starting to just be a blur, and even certain colors are becoming harder and harder to see.

I guess eventually when I'm left with nothing at all to see it won't be so incredibly terrible. I mean, it will be, but nothing worth killing myself over. I'll still remember what everything used to look like. I'll still be able to picture it all in my mind. I'll still be able to hear and walk and talk and everything. And I'll make due, I guess. I mean….I'm X-ray. I stay on top of it all. No matter what.

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There's a squeak hinge down on the back gate

It lets us know if he comes around

Well I don't sleep that good anyway

And if you've never heard that silence, it's a God awful sound

What scares me the most about it all is that, I won't be able to see my friend's faces. And my name loses my meaning. I don't want to feel stripped of my respect and pride…though I know that can't happen, because I'm X-Ray. The leader. I stay on top of it all. But I can't stop the way I feel inside, ya know? What's the use of being 'X-Ray' and not being able to look at someone and see inside their heart? What's the use of being 'X-Ray' and not being able to see? Things don't work like that. But then again, when you think about it, that's life, and nothing works the way you want it to.

I don't want to be able to not see my friends. They really aren't even my friends…they're beyond that. We're homies. I love those guys…even Caveman. They're great. We're like family. And you shouldn't be deprived from seeing your family.

Truth be told, I'm scared of going blind.

When you've been at Camp Green Lake for eight months, you get used to a kind of routine, ya know? And change becomes harder and harder to deal with when it happens. But it's okay, because I'm X-Ray. I stay on top of things. 

I get sick of being X-Ray.

But I wouldn't trade it. Not unless whomever I trade with will trade vision as well. 

Do you know how many people wish they could be me? I know all the rest of the guys wish they could just give orders like nothin. I give orders cause it's easy. Cause I'm good at it. Cause I deserve to. It helps me hold my image, as the strong, hard-as-nails, street smart guy. I can't see, so I order everyone else who can see around for me. I always wonder, fi I was given the choice of being a blind leader or a slave with sight, which would I choose?

I'd choose the slave with sight. I wouldn't give but to be able to see the color blue again. I know Zig's shirt is blue, but not anymore. To me it's just blurry and grey. And their faces…everyone's faces. Hell it'd be cool if I could even see Mr. Sir's face clearly again. (Maybe not. But then again, seeing anything clearly again would be a miracle.) 

I'm scared about going completely blind when I'm here at Camp. I mean…..I'll eventually have to go home sometime. And when I go home I already won't be able to see my mom's face clearly. But what if I can't see it at all when I go home? I don't wanna not be able to see her face. I…damn. I don't know what I mean anymore.

But there's no use crying over spilled milk. I'm not going to sit and mope about it. I'm not going to cry about it. I'm not going to shun myself and wait for it to happen.

I'm X-Ray. Even if I wanted to, I can't do that.

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I don't feel nothing, no I don't feel nothing

There's nothing to feel good about here


End file.
